An Exchange Of Rawness

In a recent lecture I gave at Cambridge, a raven flew into the room. It had been stuck up the ornate chimney all week and chose the exact moment I walked in to swoop out, circle once elegantly around the intricate plaster work of the ceiling, and end at the window closest to me. It banged against the glass and I stood at a distance, not wanting to crowd it, as the other staff members carefully slid open the sash window underneath its flapping wings. They closed the curtains over the enclave, giving it privacy and direction to escape. We all held our breath in a horror composed equally of the possibility of hurting it, and the possibility of being hurt by it.

I give my lecture, which includes talking about a project I made with two of my friends, one of whom died two months ago. The past tense sticks in my throat.

I couldn’t see her in person for the last year and a half of her life because of the pandemic. Before we even knew of this virus I had to wash my hands, put on an apron and gloves, and go through two sealed doors to see her. So now there was no way. I asked if she wanted to move in with me when it broke out, do the isolation thing together, so I could care for her. She (wisely) wanted her own space. I desperately tried to help manage her healthcare at a distance - got in touch with an advocacy agency to assign a case worker, offered to sit in on video calls with doctors, anything I could. It solved nothing and she died before I could see her again.

I don’t mention any of this to the students. When I finish I sit outside in the first proper sunshine this year and look out at the green rolling grounds. I don’t see any more ravens.

一個原初的交換

最近在劍橋教課時，一隻烏鴉飛進了教室。過去的整整一周，這隻烏鴉都困在那華麗的煙囪上，而它卻選擇在我走進教室的那刻猛然飛入。只見它優雅地繞著天花板那精緻的灰泥作品飛了一圈後，在離我最近的那扇窗停駐。不久，它撞上玻璃，而我站在遠處不想靠近它身軀的周圍，同時看著同事們小心翼翼地打開它翅膀之下的窗扇，而後他們拉上了窗簾，確保那隻烏鴉有足夠的隱私和逃生空間。我們都因恐懼而屏住了呼吸——無論是害怕傷害到它或是被它傷害。 

那場講課內容是關於一項我與另外兩位朋友共同執行的企劃，而其中一位朋友在兩個月前過世了——這個過去式使我哽咽。

由於疫情的緣故，在她生命最後一年半的期間，我無法親自見到她。在新冠病毒存在之前，那時只要去探望她，就必須要洗淨雙手、穿上圍裙、戴上手套，並且穿越兩扇密封的門才得以見到她。而後，在疫情爆發期間，連探望她都沒有辦法了。我曾經在疫情爆發時問過她是否願意搬過來和我一起住，這樣我們就能一起隔離，我也就能在她身邊照顧她，但她（明智地）表達她需要自己的空間。後來，我拼命地嘗試在遠處想要幫助她處理醫療護理相關事務，像是聯絡仲介以申請一名專案照護者、與醫生進行視訊通話等等，及任何我所能做的⋯⋯。然而，這一切都只是徒勞，她在我能見到她之前便離去了。

課堂上面對學生時，我對於這段往事隻字未提。課後，我到戶外坐著，享受著今年的第一縷陽光，向著那些緩緩起伏跌宕的翠綠土地望去。此刻我看不見任何烏鴉。